Full Caf Americano®
Okay, we all know that Anthony Weiner has reached that age where giving up isn’t who he is, the age where he can start a fire on the beach with nothing but a pocketknife and a rock and John Lee Hooker music playing in the background.
But what Anthony cannot seem to get the hang of is what to do with the fire once it’s kindled.
Her name is Huma, dude. You’ve had sex with her at least once. And Huma is kind of hot in her own right, you know? In an official State Department Islamist kind of way.
So what I’m saying is, just how much crap does she put up with until she goes full jihadi on your New York Jewish ass?
We’re just going to play the list and do a bit of paraphrasing here and there. Because we all get it, right?
I know a lot of people judge me (shout-out to MSNBC’s Thomas Roberts who went on air and called me “batshit crazy”), but I don’t think it is their right to judge — just as it is not my right to judge them. We all have what we want to do in life and what our own personal standards are.
Why does having a sexting affair with a married man or even doing porn make someone a “bad person”? Give me a break. I’m not a war criminal. I’m a human being who has made certain choices, some of which involve my sexuality.
Yes, I’ve made thousands of dollars from sugar daddies.
Got it. Turn her inside out, she looks like a porcupine. So we’ve established Sydney is a true Democratic woman.
#1: Indulge his crazy alter-ego, and whatever you do, don’t laugh at him. When in doubt, use a smiley-face and tell him you actually mean it. (In other words, lie.)
#2: Be a little coy first. Don’t be so aggressive. (In other words, lie cleverly.)
#3: Be prepared to make the first move, play on his ego and resist being sexual when he wants to be sexual. It will drive him crazy. (We get it, lie.)
#4: Figure out his weaknesses early on. If he’s insecure, you’ve hit gold. Then torture him by playing hard to get. (In other words, lie with finesse.)
#5: Make him jealous and then switch it up and make him feel secure. Kind of like “48 Laws of Power.” Politicians are in it to win it so always be in “flirting campaign mode.” (Oh, she reads books!)
#6: Go for someone who you know is tempted by hot chicks online. Once he’s interested, find out his fetish as soon as you can. (So Anthony likes wide, kind of used up asses? Check.)
#7: Give him more attention than he’s ever known from a woman. Tell him he is sexy, and be specific about why he is. (I’m beginning to think Anthony may be a victim here.)
#8: Find a horny non-politician to finance all the expensive shoes and lingerie pics you’re sexting your politician boyfriend. Constantly, be painting a picture of yourself in your politician’s brain. (Bang old guy for money and use visualization techniques to mind f_ _ _ politician. Roger.)
#9: Tell him how big his weiner is — especially if it’s Weiner. (But if its, like, six inches…? So… lie. Got it.)
#10 Alternate between innocent and vague, then dirty and specific, and occasionally throw in a mention of something political he did. (Above all, slut that thang when you lie) [More here]
So, in summation Sydney is just making the best of the situation before she has to join Hillary Clinton on the Sisterhood of the Traveling Ass tour.
No, but really, honey, the whole world has seen that ass now, and it needs serious attention for someone in your line of work. Seriously, doll, turn yourself over to Nutri-System and call Sarah Palin. Or, okay, pantsuits.
I so completely defer to my friend Gene at Blackmailers Don’t Shoot at this point.
Not only is Mary Carey a better option for New York than Anthony Weiner, she’d make a far better investment of Anthony Weiner’s Twitter activities.
Providing Huma doesn’t do one of those war hoops the Muslims do in Lawrence of Arabia and start swinging the scimitar or something
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