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Who Knows? Jesse Ventura May Be Sitting in a Bar Next to You Right Now, Suing a Dead Navy SEAL…

jesse-venturaThis is uncanny. Only this morning I woke up wondering, Where the H-E-double-toothpicks Jesse Ventura is?

Politico via Drudge:

Former wrestler and Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he has gone “off the grid” in Mexico to avoid drones knowing where he is.

Ventura spoke with CNBC’s “Closing Bell” from an “undisclosed location in Mexico” on Tuesday, prompting the hosts to ask him where he was and why he was there.

“I’m off the grid. I move about with my TV show so that the drones can’t find me and you won’t know exactly where I am,” Ventura said, talking over the host’s question as to whether it was a hoax.

The former third-party governor hosts a show called “Off the Grid” on Ora TV. Ventura said he could remain off the map “as long as we have solar power and we can reach the satellite.”

“I view the United States, today, much like East Berlin. And I’m off the grid. I’ve tried for 20 years to warn the country about the Democrats and Republicans, and nobody’s listening.”

Okay, now I know not to ask. But there’s more, and I know you guys are insatiable when it comes to your Jesse Ventura updates.

Ventura said after years being on “the inside, looking out,” he was now viewing the country “from the outside looking in.”

“I now view the United States from the outside, and I don’t like what I see,” Ventura said. “You know what the favorite T-shirt was off the grid down here a couple years ago? A picture of [former President] George Bush, and it said weapon of mass destruction. Is that the way we want the United States portrayed throughout the world? I don’t think so.”

Ventura ignored another question from the host asking how he could be off the grid with Internet access.

Well, now, see, I told you not to ask. Only Jesse’s personal injury lawyer, who is suing former Navy SEAL Chris Kyle’s widow for him, can be trusted to know his whereabouts. All right, I know you’re going to ask anyway, so I’ll just say two words: carrier pigeons.

Okay, just a smidgeon more.

He decried the role of money in politics and said his own campaign raised less than he made as governor. He also said his current TV effort was not about money.

“I don’t need the money. I’ve made the money,” Ventura said. “I don’t need no more money; I can live right now and my family until I die.”

He said he’s helping the nation in his new role.

“I’m solving problems. … I’m a job creator,” Ventura said. “And I’m not only creating jobs, putting Mexicans to work, I’m stopping them from running across the border now and taking our jobs, because my whole staff said that if I wasn’t down here, and I didn’t have them, they’d be coming up to America, looking for jobs.” [Politico]

Which explains why he passed up all those primetime network offers, ya know. And finally, the answer to three decades of illegal immigration. ObamaCare coverage? All right, maybe. But don’t ask nothing more about nothing else.

Look, you guys, Jesse’s whereabouts are so secret that even the TV network he’s on cannot be located. Drones, you numbskulls!

So enough, already! With the questions. About where Jesse is. On the planet. He’s somewhere. And that’s all you need to know.

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4 comments on “Who Knows? Jesse Ventura May Be Sitting in a Bar Next to You Right Now, Suing a Dead Navy SEAL…

  1. Chandler's Ghost
    February 5, 2014

    In other news, steroids have been shown to cause permanent mental damage.

  2. Richard M Nixon (Deceased)
    February 6, 2014
  3. Gingi Edmonds Freeman
    February 6, 2014

    ……wow.

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This entry was posted on February 5, 2014 by in Celebrities, Entertainment and tagged , , , .

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