The 2013 Annual Lefty Awards

Wow, 2014 is upon us! The Regular Guy almost didn’t compile the Lefty list this year, but Chandler’s Ghost over at Blackmailers Don’t Shoot convinced me that a world where a kid from Nashville can lick a spoon in London from her back porch, may be worth writing about after all.

So here is our annual Lefty list.

10. Al Sharpton — What is wrong with you folks in the black community? Al Sharpton should be the biggest embarrassment since Eddie Murphy got busted with a transvestite hooker, yet every time you have a beef you run to this money-grubbing flack. Al Sharpton gives ribs, black-eyed peas and greens a bad name.

9. Hillary Clinton — For, What difference does it make? That this very important point is lost on Hillary says a great deal. Republicans should take immense encouragement from the fact that this incompetent b*tch cannot keep her big f***ing mouth shut.

8. Kathleen Sebelius — What can we say? She has singlehandedly redefined the term “getting it up.” To Sebelius’s credit she has taken full responsibility for the heathcare.gov debacle. So how butch, huh?

7. Melissa Harris-Perry — Yes, she gets the official nut-jacket prize. Melissa Harris-Perry’s suggestion—no, indictment—leveled at “wealthy white men,” that ObamaCare is code for the N-word, is the stupidest liberal contrivance we’ve heard since Bill Clinton tried to give a presidential pardon to fellatio as a sex act.

6. #FreeKate Mom Kelly Hunt — For enabling her dildo-wielding daughter Kaitlyn Hunt in her pursuit strange underage flesh. Hunt is a one-woman argument for forced sterilization. You, madam, should be locked up in Raiford and given a diesel-dyke guard with a fondness for kitchen appliances.

5. Martin Bashir — For his disgusting, planned and well rehearsed attack on Sarah Palin. The RG is delighted to present Martin Bashir with our Suicide Bomber of the Year award. Hey, Marty, the Star is probably hiring.

4. Michelle Obama —

For the Mandela memorial. In past years we have thrown Mrs. Obama in the rag box with her fashion consultant, whom we have fictionally named Shenequa of Detroit (because, Lord knows, no one at Salvation Army will step up). But Food Nazi FLOTUS‘s lack of self-awareness is truly astounding. Mooch, school may have ended with Princeton, but a little class is always in session.

3. Barack Obama — For, of course, ObamaCare, but also for general ineptitude and laziness. As America’s first black president even I had reason to hope that Barack Obama would at least be a gifted liar. Instead, he has become irrefutable proof that some minds are not a terrible thing to waste. Some minds should be left to hustle rich guys on the sands of Waikiki.

2. The Establishment Republican Party — If conservatism were a crime there wouldn’t be enough evidence to indict any of them. They are outdated, pompous, liberal, and idealess. Their hopes for the future rest on the likes of a wimpy Bush III; an accountant with the personality of an 8 X 11 legal pad; and an antigun greenie Blue state governor whose digestive system alone is the greatest threat to the ozone since the last Mt. Pinatubo eruption. Go ahead, RINOs, nominate one of these losers, and watch us stay at home for the Duck Dynasty marathon.

1. A&E Network — For the biggest audience miscalculation since “The Pee-wee Herman Show: The Return.” In fairness to A&E, they couldn’t have possibly seen the Duck Dynasty backlash coming. There are so many light-in-the-loafers executives and producers in its New York offices that the building fairly floats above 45^th Street. A&E, Disney may be your parent company, but Americans will always watch their kids when the guy in the Tinkerbelle costume is around.