Why Aren’t All Lesbians Hot, Like in the Movies?

Some days I have to search with miners’ headgear to find something I know enough about to post, but this one’s a no brainer.

Because I’ve been to Hollywood and had my butt kicked by some big ol’ honkin’ lesbians.

The Other McCain:

Why are lesbians fat? Or, why are fat women lesbians? Is correlation causation? This profound scientific mystery demands an answer, and you can’t have science without a federal research grant:

The federal government has spent $2.2 million studying why three quarters of lesbians are obese despite sequestration-mandated budget cuts that critics warned could “delay progress in medical breakthroughs.” The National Institutes of Health awarded an additional $682,873 to Brigham and Women’s Hospital for the study on July 17. The project had received previous grants of $778,622 in 2011, and $741,378 in 2012. Total funding has reached $2,202,873. The project has survived budget cuts due to sequestration, which the NIH warned would “delay progress in medical breakthroughs.” . . . “Obesity is one of the most critical public health issues affecting the U.S. today,” the grant’s “public health relevance” statement reads. . . . “It is now well-established that women of minority sexual orientation are disproportionately affected by the obesity epidemic, with nearly three-quarters of adult lesbians overweight or obese, compared to half of heterosexual women,” the project’s abstract states. “In stark contrast, among men, heterosexual males have nearly double the risk of obesity compared to gay males.”

Wait a minute — both lesbians and heterosexual males have obesity issues, compared to either straight women or gay men?

EXPOSURE TO VAGINA CAUSES OBESITY!

The science is settled. That will be $2.2 million, please.

Yeah, well, you gotta spend the money because you gotta spend the money. That’s a direct paraphrase of a Nancy Pelosi response when these sorts of studies are proposed for everything.

And that’s kind of it, but not really. Because wow! Did you see that?

Here’s the short answer: Beer.

When the man of the house comes in from a hard day at the BP plant where he works overtime to help payoff the Deepwater Horizon cleanup, he’s tried, doesn’t want to talk and it’s like, Woman get me a beer!

Same with Rosie O’Donnell, although an early spat with Madonna may have added pounds as well. She’s just gone through a nasty a divorce so it’s, Catalina, get me a beer!

When Dykes on Bikes roll, it is on beer and Exxon Supreme.

So beer.

The good news is that just as soon as Michelle Obama gets her campaign against childhood obesity program put to bed, so to speak, fat lesbians will have her full, undivided attention. Palates bodies for everyone!!!

Michael Bloomberg has offered to assist, but Dykes on Bikes told him to take his artesian water on the rocks and go f**k himself.

The point is lesbians are just like the rest of us… except with government grants.

UPDATE

Yeah, about the image. I thought of going with Portia de Rossi, but she is so… Hollywood-hetero-gone-lesbian. You know? I wouldn’t think dating George Clooney could do that to a gal, but there you go. Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres. Anyway, I thought I’d go with Aubrey O’Day as my Lipstick Lesbian for the page shot. Sorry if it offends Mormons, Baptists, Buddhists, well, everyone but bad Muslims. (And only you know who you are.)